I "may" have given a student's baby bump the "jealous infertile stare" today.
I am officially going to hell.
Today I am "possibly" also officially losing the plot, although I thought I had been doing really well with dealing with our latest disappointment.
Tonight DH and I were discussing some things about the house.
DH: So how are the plans for the curtains coming along? Have you been collecting some ideas for what you want?
Me: What curtains? I haven't been thinking about curtains. I've been far too busy fantasising about my puppy.
DH: But surely you need to thinking about the curtains before you think about a puppy.
Me: Nope, been too busy imagining how wonderful it is going to be, giving it lots of cuddles and looking after it every minute of the day and have it NEED me.
DH: Oh ok, well maybe we don't need curtains anyway.
So DH and I obviously have some differing priorities.
I know he is also disappointed every cycle that goes by with no success, but I'm also pretty sure that it really isn't that much skin off his nose. I on the other hand have this pain in my heart (so cliche but so true) as well as the very real and serious pain in my tummy for 3 days or more every cycle that is a failure.
At the moment, what makes me feel better is picturing my future little bundle of fluff.
That is something that I know WILL happen and (and this is the fantastic part) WHEN.
None of this: "Oh it will happen for you soon/when the time's right" bollocks.
I want something to love NOW.
However, I will have to settle for waiting a few more months as we can't get a puppy in our current apartment for obvious reasons. Don't worry. I'm not getting a puppy just cause I can't get pregnant. I have been patiently waiting for aaaages until we would finally be in a situation where we could get one.
I also have a sneaking suspicion that having a dog will have a calming effect (because puppies are so stress free! ; ) ) on me and then will magically become pregnant. That is totally going to work. Klaus or Schnitzel or whatever we call him will be my wonder drug.